


Hold Back The River

by MayQueen517



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Gen, Minor Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Nile Freeman, Nile has a bad mission and the team cares for her, Nile remembers her first death, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Panic Attacks, Team as Family, booker is here and andy is immortal because I say so, casual affection, discussions of first deaths, if you would like me to tag for anything specific please let me know, mild dissociation on Nile's part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26110849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayQueen517/pseuds/MayQueen517
Summary: Nile has a bad mission and the team cares for her, because they are FAMILY.----Panic still chokes her as Nicky watches her. His eyes are understanding and Nile heaves a shaking breath as he watches."Nile, we've got you," Nicky says, taking the water bottle from her nerveless hands. He helps her up and she can't help but retreat, breathless sobs guiding her forward as Nicky gently leads her into the safe-house.
Comments: 25
Kudos: 220





	Hold Back The River

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop churning out fic and I'm very excited!! This fic deals with Nile dying in the same way as her first death and she does have a panic attack and has some mild dissociation. I've got Booker here because he sort of just appeared as I was writing and Andy is still immortal because it's my fic and I make the rules. 
> 
> I really wanted some casual affection and intimacy and showing all the ways these people love each other and how they support each other. Unbeta'd, so if you see a mistake, please (KINDLY) let me know!
> 
> Title from the same song by James Bay which I listened to probably a dozen times while writing this.

If asked, later, Nile would be unable to say how she got into the car, let alone managed to buckle her seatbelt. Her thought process follows a bunch of static, as if suddenly getting and losing reception on an old TV. Nile can't stop thinking about the knife slicing through her skin, muscle, tendons, and vocal cords.. She can't stop thinking about the instinctive, desperate gasp of breath that never came. She knows they're in the middle of Sweden, cold and surrounded by mountains, but all she can think of is sand and desert homes as she bled out.

Nile isn't sure when the car stops, only that the panic that's been simmering has suddenly boiled over. Her throat catches on the sob, stalling out, as she remembers the pesh-kabz that cut her throat for the first time.

There are tears streaming down her cheeks, tears she isn't aware of until Joe murmurs something, reaching up to gently wipe them away. Static buzzes in her ears as she struggles to meet his eyes and she hears the panicked tone as he calls out to one of the others and it morphs and swims, twisting from Dizzy to Joe and from Gita to Andy. Nile can't stop touching her throat, needing the reassurance of flesh, now whole, tears pouring faster.

The dried blood is tacky, catching under her fingernails, and Nile is aware of the high pitched noise at the back of her throat. Panic pulls her under as Andy appears in front of her, cupping her face. Wildly, Nile fights her, pushing away from her as she feels a sob break free as she scrambles clear of them.

Out of the car, Nile hunches over, vomiting. Her hands grip the grass under her convulsively, nails digging into the dirt. The dirt is a welcome change from the tacky blood that reeks and lingers. She retches again, another sob starting and catching.

Nearby, a bottle of water is placed within her view.

Nobody touches her as she rinses her mouth out. She looks over, seeing Nicky knelt close, Joe and Andy at the car, watching worriedly. Booker stands at the door of the safe-house, gentle and unassuming as Nile meets Nicky's eyes again.

There's dried blood on Nicky's hand, over his palm and she goes to touch her throat again.

"Fermati," Nicky says, scooting closer. He allows her her space and she's aware that everything is twice as loud as it was in the car. Panic still chokes her as Nicky watches her. His eyes are understanding and Nile heaves a shaking breath as he watches.

"Nile, we've got you," Nicky says, taking the water bottle from her nerveless hands. He helps her up and she can't help but retreat, breathless sobs guiding her forward as Nicky gently leads her into the safe-house.

Everything goes fuzzy as she's sat at the table. Booker has a bowl on the table, an old rag draped over it and she registers the steam from the bowl before Booker wipes a warm rag over her stained hands.

"Come back to us, _mon chou_ ," Booker says gently, wiping at the dried blood on her hands. He keeps a grounding hand on her as she stares at the blood clouding the water. Tears slip out of her eyes again, another steady stream as he murmurs something to Nicky that she doesn't catch.

"Nile," Booker says, soft but firm, drawing her attention. She meets his eyes and sees nothing but kindness. Nearby, Joe and Nicky are turning lights on, the sounds of home and the sounds of any normal time post-mission. She doesn't know where Andy is and something about that makes her chest heave, her breath hitching as she clings to Booker's hands.

"My. My throat," she croaks, hands pulling to try and flutter up. Booker shushes her gently, wetting the rag and gently cleaning the dried and flaked blood from her neck. She can smell copper all around her - the sense memory of the deaths around her and she closes her eyes. Booker murmurs in French while he wipes, rinsing the rag twice before he stops.

"It's whole. See?" Booker asks, trailing his clean fingers over the skin there. Nile shakily pulls her hands from his, touching the skin at her throat and she can't help but think of Jay's suspicious expression and Dizzy's horror that still pulls at Nile.

"Nile, c'mon," Andy says from the doorway, Joe hovers nearby, helping her stand with a gentle hand on her shoulder. Nile shakes as she hesitantly steps towards Andy.

"Do you want all of us or just Andy?" Joe asks, tilting his head as she huffs on a shaky sigh.

"I don't know," she says, a sad and wet laugh slipping out as Nicky hums, tucking himself against her side like right after she threw herself out of a building.

"Go with Andy," Nicky says, giving her a gentle squeeze as he and Joe slide together, "we'll be here when you're ready."

Nile lets Andy lead her to the bathroom, exhaustion starting the pull at her as steam greets her in the small space. Andy's had the shower going and tears start again as Andy silently helps her strip and climb into the shower.

"It's always hardest, the first time," Andy says, shucking her own clothes to climb in behind Nile. Nile wants to be thrilled at it, but she can't spare the emotions for it as Andy meets her eyes.

"It's not the first time I've died, Andy," Nile says as Andy rolls her eyes, slipping under the spray. The water runs murky at first, gore rinsing out of Andy's hair and away from her body before it runs clear. Her eyes are bright and kind as she shifts, gently nudging Nile into the spray.

"It's the first time you've died like your first death, isn't it?" Andy asks as Nile freezes. It doesn't matter how hot the water is, she can feel the chill when remembering the sharp stinging before blood welled over the edges of her cut throat. She can't stop thinking of Dizzy's scream, the wails for a medic over the cries of the women in the courtyard.

She sobs hard, the sound echoing in the bathroom. The water cascading off of her is dark, the sight making her cry harder as Andy steps forward. Andy holds her close, Nile's back against Andy's chest as her stomach heaves from the force of her cries.

Andy holds her through it, murmuring comfortingly as Nile's breath hitches and the exhaustion crashes over her. The fact that they're naked is secondary to the way that Andy presses a kiss to Nile's forehead, arms holding her firmly.

The water is hot, sluicing over her and the chill that's been on her back since the warehouse is finally leaving. Nile takes a deep, shuddering breath, a last hiccup wracking her as she slumps back against Andy.

"What was yours?" Nile asks, voice cracked and rough as Andy lets her pull away. They shower together, quickly and easily, Andy passing the soap over to Nile. Andy screws her face up, thinking as she washes her legs and feet quickly.

"My family was attacked by travelers. They died and I died with them. Except I came back," Andy says, rinsing off. Nile does the same, sighing softly, rinsing her braids under the slowly cooling water, resolving to make tomorrow wash day.

"I still feel sick when someone cuts my throat too," Andy says softly, meeting Nile's eyes steadily. Nile's breath stutters, stunned into silence by the shared memory and by the way that Andy opens herself up.

"Meet me down in the kitchen," Andy says, looking away from Nile's eyes as she steps out of the shower. Nile sighs into the water, turning it off as Andy passes her a towel and they each pad off to their own rooms.

Nile applies her moisturizer in methodical motions, drifting in her thoughts as she gets dressed. She thinks about Andy, rising from the dead, seeing her family around her. She thinks about how long she wandered until she found Quynh and how she lost her. Tears prick her eyes but don't fall as she shuffles down to the kitchen, sinking into the chair.

The kitchen is redolent with garlic and the chatter from a small radio nearby. Booker's leaned against the counter, chatting with Nicky as Nicky stirs something. Nile gives him a strained smile, getting a warm look in return. Nile fidgets, picking at her cuticles as she exhales slowly, centering herself. A hand touches her, wide and warm, as she looks up, meeting Joe's understanding, soft smile. She shifts, squeezing his hand and holding onto it for a moment. His smile warms further, his hand linking with hers companionably as he sketches Nicky.

"You're lucky," Joe says, fondly. He nods his head over to Nicky, letting Nile hold onto his hand as if he is an anchor and she is lost at sea, "he only makes this pasta when he wants comfort."

"Not only," Nicky says, over his shoulder, smiling at Nile. She wants to hug him, wants to thank him for the space he gave her earlier. She doesn't say any of it, watching him as he turns back to whatever he's stirring.

"Thank you," Nile says, soft. Booker comes to sit on her other side, eyes kind as ever.

"I was hanged. And I died many times," Booker says plainly. Joe's hand tightens on Nile's as she turns to watch him. Booker looks down at the table, fingers brushing over a long set condensation ring.

"I still get the shakes if I think about it too much. And that was in 1812," Booker says, pushing his hair back from his face, looking over at Joe and Nicky, who watch him silently, "Thanks isn't something we need to hear. But if you need to say it, then we won't stop you."

Joe hums in response as she nods, folding his free hand over the one he holds. "It doesn't get easier but it does at the same time. Like a bad dream."

"And if it never gets easier?" Nile asks, the question that's been sitting on her tongue through the entire shower bursting forth as the kitchen goes quiet. Andy slips in, passing a hand over Nicky's shoulder affectionately as Nicky turns to her, smiling.

"Then we help you in whatever way that means. We will figure it out," Nicky says as Nile nods slowly. She drifts in her own thoughts, holding onto Joe's hand as they talk around her. It isn't peace that settles over her, more like exhaustion, but she's grateful for the space the others allow her.

They touch her in a million small, grounding ways. Joe holds onto her hand, only letting go when food is served. Booker sits close enough that she can smell his shampoo and the warmth from his leg resting against hers. Andy lets their feet tangle under the table, bare and seemingly fragile, though Nile knows better. Nicky brings her food and passes a hand over her back and all of these little ways lets Nile know that above anything else, she is loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations (pulled from Google, so if i got them wrong, PLEASE kindly let me know!)  
> Fermati: Stop, in Italian  
> Mon chou: sweet/sweetie in French  
> Thanks so much to HollowNightmare for the correction to my Italian!  
> \---
> 
> I am always taking prompts over on [CactusDragon517 on Tumblr](https://cactusdragon517.tumblr.com/)! Come chat to me about how great they all are!


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